So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
