I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
