After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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