If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
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I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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