did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
