you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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