literally had 100 drinks last night.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
