Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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