Betty ford says i'm here all night
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
