I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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