Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
