Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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