For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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