i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sober January is a disaster.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
