Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
