My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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