there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
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Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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