If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
