What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
