i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
