i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
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I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
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Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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