do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We are two peas in an std pod
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
