Whoa Z and x make the same sound
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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