she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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