new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
