I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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