I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
