she looked like the before picture.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
