my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
