obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
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A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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