I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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