He felt like a one man threesome
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
