you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
