After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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