I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
