Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
