Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
