Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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