I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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