So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
