i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
