Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
