Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
