Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
