if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Panties = found
Randomize
