I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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