I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
