A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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