Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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