this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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