The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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