i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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