maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
