what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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