i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
