Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
