I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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