I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
