if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
