Im at strip club and am horny
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
