Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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